Watch Out, They Bite

I had a dream the other night that my roommate, Paige, was going to a job interview and I was going with her for moral support. We’re sitting in some hard plasticy chairs in a large waiting room area for what must have been a pretty happening job, because there were lots of people in the waiting area.

Paige and I are talking, minding our own business when the woman sitting next to me (a very large Hispanic woman with a hair weave) tells me that she doesn’t like how I am sitting and asks me to uncross my arms.

I surprise myself with my ballseyness when I reply, “F*** off, it’s not affecting you.”

The woman leans over and physically tries to pull apart my arms. I resist, telling her to get the hell off me. She bends down and actually bites my arm. (Not only is my dream-self ballsey, she also has a high pain threshhold, because it didn’t really hurt all that much. Well, either than or the woman was a pansy.) I yelp in surprise. I am starting to get angry. I pull out my cell phone to call the police because I will be damned if some crazy lady can just bite me for no reason.

The woman tries to take my cell phone away and bites me again when I resist. Paige recovers from the shock of what’s happening and tries to help me fend off the woman while I’m talking to a 9-1-1 dispatcher to get some police over here. The woman bites me one final time (I swear over the phone, then apologize to the dispatcher. The thought briefly enters my end about what this recording would sound like if it makes the news.) before she gets up and makes a beeline for the front doors.

Hell no, I think, this flabby freak is going down. I follow her outside to see she is getting in a car. I start reading off the license plate number to the dispatcher (E-L-H-1…) when I wake up.

I told my roommates about the dream and they think the cat, Ashland, was biting me while I slept (she is known for this). Exactly where the large Hispanic with a weave fits in, however, I haven’t the foggiest.

What do you think?