Truth.
I’ve been rereading one of my favorite books and came across a line spoken right after a character had to make a tough decision:
“Hardest thing I ever did … So now I suppose I can do the second hardest thing.”
That sort of thing has been on my mind lately. Since Christmas specifically, when I did the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I finally told my mom that, as a little girl, I was molested. (Hey, hey, now the second hardest thing can be checked off my list!) I’ve only told 3 or 4 people that in my life. If you aren’t one of those people, it probably still didn’t surprise you all that much. When I finally told my mom she said she had figured something like that had happened, but that she wished I had told her long ago. Me too. It felt so good to get that off my chest, which is also the reason I’m doing it now. I’m tired of holding things in. I don’t want to do it anymore. So here’s a veritable Truth-Day-Free-For-All.
I was abused twice, one time I cannot remember except for incredibly vague details. I’ve tried to remember it, but start shaking and crying. So I’ve stopped trying. I was 9 and 12. First time was in school, in a girl’s bathroom. Second was in a summer Bible camp, of all places. Both times were boys in my age group. I have had and continue to have some pretty deep-seated trust issues when it comes to men. (I’m sure that’s a big shock for you all. “Teri? Trust issues? No!”)
So there’s that. If I can blog about that, there’s really nothing I can’t blog about. For example, I was suicidal my sophomore year of college. And the only reason that I didn’t kill myself is because I couldn’t. I had no car and was living on the second floor of a small, Christian college dormitory. I had no access to pills or weapons. That is the lowest point at which I’ve ever been–not wanting to live anymore but unable to kill myself. I had gone through several months of heavy depression and pushed away all of my friends (or tried to). I almost lost my friendships with Tim and Steph, two of the most important people in my life, back then and today. Unfortunately, I lost some other friends irrevocably. I regret some of those.
Thirdly, I am a little racist. I try not to be. I blame a lot of this on working at the hotel, where I was not exposed to the best examples of humanity. And I think another part of it is that it’s a culture I am not a part of, and therefore have trouble understanding. Not all, but the majority of Black men intimidate me. Frighten me, might be more appropriate a statement. That is unfortunate for many reasons, one of which being I have certain physical attributes that they seem to find very appealing.
Fourthly, I haven’t been going to church, because I don’t want to go to church. I hate all the pretense involved. I’m sure some of this might be “self-fulfilled prophecies” because I felt I needed to put on a pretense around church-people, but I don’t think I can take all the blame for this one. I can understand why the world mocks them. I’m one of them, and I mock them. Living in legalistic little bubbles, surrounded by an air of holier-than-thou perfection. Can we just get a bunch together and say, “Man, we’re all seriously fucked up,” and then just take it from there? I would love that. I think some of my dislike toward the “bubble people” stems from jealousy. I am jealous at their ability to live in this bubble, or see the world through rose-colored glasses, or however you want to phrase it. I’m jealous because I can’t do it.
Damn, I feel better.
I love you Teri. And I'm so very proud of you.
You're much braver than I am.
Thanks. I admit, I chuckled when I read your comment, but only because "brave" would be one of the last words I'd use to describe myself.
I love you, too.
Oh, I so think you're one of the bravest people I know. You're pretty amazing Teri-beri.
thanks for sharing all of this. i'm glad that it helped you to feel better.
i was so in the same place as you sophomore year. i think one of the saddest things about grace was that it kept us all so alienated from each other.
i also don't go to church for many of the same reasons you don't. just wanted to let you know that someone else agrees with your reasons.
it's nice to know i'm not the only one who thinks this way. thanks for commenting.
Hm…yay for suicidal Gracies?
I was for part of my jr. year, but I think that's normal considering everything that was going on then. I can think of at least two others who were right around that time as well. Maybe it's in the water…
For the church thing, my answer of late has been a well though out sermon on Sunday (either at a church or downloaded) that gives me something to talk about with a small group later in the week. Well, that's what I'm working towards anyway, I think that's what I'd really like to do.
Anyway, wow I didn't even see a lock on this one. You've got guts girl. Luck to you.
nope. no lock. 🙂
Teri, congratulations! There really isn't much more to say.
What's next with this newfound openness? 🙂
i miss you. how's that?
i don't really know what's next. speak my mind more often, i guess. i'm happier today than i have been in quite a while.
Ah, babe, I love you. And I'm really impressed with this post. Took a lot of courage to say all of that. I love you very much.
i love you, too!!
HUGS to you, Teri. I know we don't know each other well, outside of our mutual friendships with Josh and Cynthia, but I second C's comments. Very brave.
One of my favorite quotes is "Without fear, there is no courage." Courage is being afraid, and doing it anyway.
You rock!
Good post.
I don't like church either. I think it's important to be involved in a community of believers. But I don't think that needs to look like the modern church.
I don't think I could share my secrets as openly as you just did. I am not very satisfied with myself as a person, and there are some tough things I don't know how to change.
Yeah…I went through the suicidal thing at Grace too.
A comforting thought though: at the 5 year reunion last year, no one from our class showed up. 😀
Thanks for sharing Teri.
(oh, and for the church thing. church is very overrated anymore. the best I can suggest is to make sure you're still involved in a small group somewhere, without the church).
Well, it was a *5* year. Who goes to those?
…and how do you know, anyway?
Apparently no one from our class.
And they had attendance numbers on the Grace Website for a while. Either no one attended, or it was so low it was embarassing. The 02 class posted a –.
The 01 class, however, posted a 7. So we at least had less than 7.