Last night was another adventure in bowling with Mr. W and our friend, Rocco. I will have you know that I improved. Enough so that the two of them started talking about what they would have to do if I beat them. Finally we settled on they would both have to wear one of my dresses, let me put makeup on them, and then I could take a picture and upload to my Facebook. We shook on it, and I proceeded to get a strike. Followed by a spare. I broke my highest high score ever in that game and made both of them genuinely concerned that they were going to have to follow through on this humiliating (for them) / delightful (for me) event.
Alas, I did not win. My final score was a 98. Rocco finished with a 104 and Steve had a 120-something. But for a couple of frames there they were concerned. And that’s the important thing.
In other news, yesterday was a big light bulb moment in my Figuring Shit Out process. Through discussion of a minor problem, the marriage counselor made an amazingly insightful observation which changed some pretty big things for me. Essentially, Mr. W and I “over-protect” the other. We want each other to be happy and try to make sure the other person is protected/happy/what-have-you, but actually what we are doing is not trusting the other person. It creates an inauthentic relationship in which both of us feel like we are losing. It came from such a simple scenario–him not wanting to do something that I wanted to do–but ended up explaining so many things that are an issue for us. It is not an easy lesson for me as it means that 1.) I have to trust that what he tells me about his feelings or desires is true, and 2.) I need to truthfully share my feelings and desires with him. I do not know about you, but this is hard for me. While, yes, I want authenticity in my relationships, I do not do so well in communicating my feelings.
Talking, in general, is not the easiest for me. Through all this counseling I am in, and trying to talk about feelings with Mr. W, I am starting to feel exhausted of talking. How do people do it? Today it hit me (and maybe I am weird for never thinking about this before, but that is okay)–but there is so much communicating happening all the time. Everywhere. With everyone. What I am doing right here, right now is communicating with whoever is reading this. So much sharing of thoughts, feelings, concerns, opinions, information, etc, etc, etc. So much talking! It seems like it never stops. I feel very overwhelmed by it right now, but that could be because I am slightly socialed out. That is my term for it. I think of my social energy like one of those bars in The Sims. They also had a social bar, that you could fill up by having them talk on the phone to a friend, or inviting people over. If their bar got too low then they would cry and not work out when you told them to.
Because of my introversion, my bar is reversed. Alone time fills it up and being with people takes it down. I am not saying that being with people is bad. I enjoy the time I spend with friends. But after I spend time with them, I need to spend some time alone to fill it back up. However, having social anxiety complicates this even further. I am much worse off when my bar gets too low than when a person who is an introvert but does not have social anxiety has a low bar. I will have panic attacks or not be able to leave my house in order to go to work and they will… well, I don’t know what happens to a non-socially anxious introvert when their bar is low. (Maybe one will read this and tell me? What happens to you? How do you deal with it?)
I have learned the warning signs of a lower bar (one being not being able to make eye contact with people), and have strategies for dealing with it, like planning events carefully so that there is space between things that will lower the bar. Also something my counselor and I are working on is filling that bar as much as possible when I am able (through EFT tapping, meditation, and positive self-talk), so that depletory events do not set me back as much.
It bothers me that my Chrome spellcheck does not think depletory is a word. That red underline is just sitting there, glaring at me, and making me second-guess myself. But it is a word. And spelled correctly. I checked.