The One With the Surprising News

Teri awaits the doctor, sitting on the tissue-paper covered examining table. Doctor K enters.

Dr K: How are you feeling?
Teri: Pretty good.
Dr K: Well, we’ve received the results from your CT. [pauses] Did you know you only have one kidney?
[Teri blinks a few times.] Teri: One?
Dr K: Yes, there is no kidney or gland on your left side. Other than that, everything on the scan came back fine. We looked at the intestines, spleen, appendix, stomach, ovaries, liver–they all look fine. All the blood work came back fine too, and we tested the blood for kidney function and that’s fine.
Teri: So what does this mean? Don’t you typically need two kidneys?
Dr K: There’s no reason for it to affect your health. We just need to keep an eye on it. We’d want to do a blood test to measure your kidney function once a year. I’m also going to double check with the radiologist on this. Either the scan isn’t complete and they couldn’t see the left kidney, in which case I’ll order an MRI to make sure, or the xray is good and there really is no kidney there. I’ll contact you after I talk to him.
Teri: Um… okay. So I’m fine?
Dr K: You’re perfectly healthy. I was hoping you knew about the kidney though, I’ve never had to break that kind of news.
Teri: I’d imagine not.

[end scene]

I’m tired of trying to get this random abdominal pain (unrelated to the one kidney thing) taken care of. First, I find out I have an extra uterus. Second, I find out I’m missing a kidney. If I pursue this, I can only imagine that they’ll discover I have 3 hearts or 27 appendices. There are some things I just don’t need to know, thank you.

And I suppose it’s okay that my extra uterus makes me unable to have children, because I very much doubt my lone kidney would be able to handle the extra life support anyway. Though I must admit I like that I’m slowly answering the question, “What the hell is wrong with you?” ‘Cause now I can shrug and say, “I don’t know but the doctor said it’s congenital.”

11 thoughts on “The One With the Surprising News

  1. Um. Okay.
    That definitely wins for Weirdest News of the Week.
    I'm not sure what to say about that. But it's always good to have more information about one's body, right? Right? Beuller? Beuller? Beuller?

    • I think it is good to have some information. Like, "everything is a-ok. we looked around and didn't find anything bad." That sort of thing I'd like to know. "You're missing some vital organs there, sparky." — not so helpful.

  2. You might want to check into endometriosis and IBD. I don't know all of your symptoms, but those two often cause random abdominal pain.
    And I'm losing my faith in the x-ray/MRI system. They've taken more pictures of my insides in the last six months than I've had of my outsides in my whole life — and they still don't know what's wrong. 😀
    "You're missing some vital organs there, sparky." — very funny, I can't stop chuckling…

    • I highly doubt my left kidney is off masquerading as a spare uterus. Though the idea is intriguing. Did he grow tired of being a kidney? Perhaps the pressures of life were just too great…
      But I think it's there. I mean, come on, I have to have two kidneys. That's just weird. I put my money on the fact that they screwed up and I'll need more tests to establish that I do, in fact, have two kidneys. Maybe it's some new way for doctors to weasle money out of you. "We can't pay all the nurses this month, Mike. Lets tell some people they're missing livers and get some additional tests out of 'em."

  3. I once had the idea that a good way to make money would be for a woman or girl to rent out their uterus as a storage space.
    I am now inclined to pass that idea on to you.

    • Lol, storage space for what? Hell, I'd sell them both if I could.
      I seriously looked into selling my eggs, but everyone kept talking about "donation" and I stopped looking into it. If I don't get some serious money, then you can't have 'em!

  4. Fertility clinics pay about $3,000 for eggs but they're much pickier than a sperm bank. You have to be healthy as Hell and not have family histories of stuff. Then you have to take a bunch of hormone injections that may or may not increase your risk for cancer until they harvest your eggs.
    You only really need one kidney unless you're always consuming toxins. That's why people can steal them and sell them on the black market while the "donor" wakes up in a tub full of ice.

What do you think?