The One with All the Idiots

Tim thinks I should write a memoirs-type book of my hotel experience, “Tales from the Front Desk” or whatnot.  It isn’t a half-bad idea.  Here’s three more hotel stories for you to enjoy at your leisure.

Story 1:
Caller: “I need a room for the weekend of the Chicago marathon.  Do you have rooms?”
Me: [checks] “No, I’m sorry but we’re sold out.”
Caller: “You have no rooms?”
Me: “No, we’re sold out.”
Caller: “Is there a waiting list you can put me on in case there’s a cancellation?”
Me: “We don’t have waiting lists.”
Caller: “Okay, well your loss.” [hangs up]

Um…no, lady, it’s actually your loss.  We’re sold out and making lots o’ money.  You’re the one who’s homeless for the weekend.

Story 2:
A guy in room 783 is here forthe weekend on a work convention.  He hires a prostitute.  As she’s leaving (and he’s starting to fall asleep) she makes off with his wallet.  He wakes up out of his stupor and starts chasing her.  She passes a bellman and tells him to call security because she’s being chased by “some man.”  Security catches up and detains both parties.  The man wants the police called, who show up minutes later.

Police:  “Do you want to file a report?  It would incriminate you for solicitation.”
Guy: “Um no, that’s okay.”
Police: “Ok, see ya.”

And my personal favorite… Story 3:
At 4:30 in the morning, an incredibly drunk guy comes to the front desk and asks for the key to his room (525).  I make it for him.  He comes back five minutes later and asks for a second key.  I give him another and ask if he can make it okay.  He says yes.  Minutes later he calls the front desk from his room to set a wake up call.  He calls two more times with problems setting it.  Finally, all is quiet.

At 6 the same morning, he comes to the desk in pajamas and says there’s a naked man sleeping in his bed.  The guy is still drunk.  He’s shivering and we give him a blanket.  The man is angry and calls his friend and his lawyer (who are both conveniently staying in the hotel) and they’re talking in the lobby about how this naked man (whom the guest knew–he wasn’t a stranger) could have gotten access to his room.  Security goes up there to get Naked Man down and Naked Man states the front desk gave him a key at 2:30 the previous afternoon.  (Big no-no for any front desk worker!)

Naked Man gets dressed and comes to the lobby to talk to the Guest and his lawyer.  They talk for three freaking hours.  Basically Guest said, “I woke up with this naked guy next to me and now my butt hurts.”  Guest ends up going to the hospital to get checked out.  Doctors tell him there’s no sign of anything and that everything is fine.  Guest then calls the police.

Police: “Do you want to press charges against the guy?”
Guest: “Well, no.”
Police: “Then what are you calling us for?”
Guest: “I want to know how this guy got the key to my room.”
Police: “Then ask the hotel.”

But there are some things that don’t add up:
–Firstly, the guest did not check into his room until 3:45 in the afternoon.  It would have been impossible for Naked Man to have gotten a key to the room at 2:30 because there was no room for which to make a key.
–Secondly, Security made a key log from the door to view its activity.  Someone used a key to access room 525 at 2:15 in the morning and again at 6:30, but never in between.  They have me on camera giving the guest a room key at 4:30 in the morning.  So how the heck did the guest get into his room without using his key?

7 thoughts on “The One with All the Idiots

  1. I've always wondered how the front desk seems to know who is authorized for a key and who isn't. They have super awesome photographic memories I think to remember who is in each room.
    Or a computer. But…seriously, I've been locked out of my room with nothing but my bathrobe on (I thought I could reach the ice machine from my door) and they still believe me when I say I need a key. Care to shed some light?

    • It depends on a variety of factors.
      The absolute hotel rule is no person gets a key to a room unless, 1.) Their name is included in the room folio, and 2.) They present photo I.D.
      In your case with the bathroom robe, however, I'd make you the key. I'd ask for the room number and your name and–as long as it matched–make you the key. I figure no one would go through the trouble of dressing in a robe and coming to a hotel to get a room key, but if they did, they'd deserve something for their efforts.
      I've been cussed out many times for not giving people room keys (when their name isn't in the computer). "I'm staying in the room. I can describe everything in that room to you! Give me a stupid key!!" Nope. Sorry.

  2. Those two stories alone prove Tim's point: at some time you must write a memoir about your experiences, but probably not until after you either leave this hotel or get sick of it all and go into another career field.

  3. I think the success of books like Kitchen Confidential and The Devil Wears Prada – plus the upcoming film version of Prada along with films like Waiting and Office Space are part of a recent vogue in "the stupidity of work life" art pieces. You should wait until after you stop working there to publish but your tales might be what the publishing world is looking for at the moment.
    How did the guest know Naked Guy? Were they friends or acquaintances?
    I can't believe the police just let that prostitute and her John go. Ok, I can, but still! I guess they thought, "These people have embarrassed themselves enough." What did the prostitute look like? Was she pretty or did she have buck teeth? I guess I'm asking : "classy" hotel bar hooker or street walker?

    • Kitchen Confidential is a good example for a book format. I think it's a really good idea, actually. Teri, I think you should get cracking on this. 🙂

  4. wow, maybe we should make a joint book as I have lots of stories from being night auditor here computer wise.. maybe we can entitle it “Stories from the night Auditor” and have sections and find some other fields that have night auditor postions with fun stories? hehe wow that key thing is weird.. do they have any security cameras in hallway that could answer what kept happening with other keys .. ie why he needed so many well as how he got into the room. Odd. Take care cuz. I will have to post some stories to my LJ semi soon for you 🙂 hehe

What do you think?