I intensely dislike confrontation. I also have a need for people to like me. Those two things have been major motivators for the vast majority of my life. I’ve continually let people walk all over me or I’ve bent for them in order to avoid confrontation and keep them happy.
But suddenly, I find myself looking around. Want to know what I see? A lot of people in my life that I don’t really like. It’s nothing personal. Those I’m referencing aren’t bad people and I have nothing specifically against most of them. I’ve just spent so much time and energy trying to keep them liking me that I never stopped to think if I liked them. Turns out, I don’t.
Some people might get hurt and some people might get angry, and I am sorry. It’s partly my fault for not doing this a long time ago. To be perfectly honest, these people don’t really know me. They know the version of me I’ve presented to them–the version I thought they would like. I’m not trying to be mean, I just don’t have the energy to pretend anymore.
I’ve started this process by going through sites like LJ, MySpace, and Facebook and removed about 50% of my “friends” on each site. [UPDATE: I just went ahead and canceled my account on MySpace.] People who I friended because they friended me. People who I used to know but were never really friends with. People who, indirectly, caused me to censor myself because I was worried about what they might think.
Granted, this is just on the internet. But it is also only the first step. This is a real change and I’m excited about it. I am tired of being a doormat.