I want to decide between survival and bliss

First of all, let me say to my email subscribers that I am really sorry about last night’s email inundation.  I have been working on editing some old posts, changing them from private to public, and apparently WordPress likes to send out a new post notification when I do that.  I have discovered how to temporarily disable that feature when I am editing posts, so it will not happen ever again.

From Felicia Day’s flog I heard about this personality analyzer using a sample of your text and, of course, had to try it.  I pasted the text from my triumvirate of topics post, and this is what the site had to tell me about my personality:

You are a bit compulsive, somewhat critical and skeptical.

You are self-conscious: you are sensitive about what others might be thinking about you. You are intermittent: you have a hard time sticking with difficult tasks for a long period of time. And you are unconcerned with art: you are less concerned with artistic or creative activities than most people who participated in our surveys.

Your choices are driven by a desire for efficiency.

You are relatively unconcerned with tradition: you care more about making your own path than following what others have done. You consider independence to guide a large part of what you do: you like to set your own goals to decide how to best achieve them.

Hey, analyzer, you don’t know me!! (Actually, yeah, well done.)  If you would like to analyze your own writing, and perhaps share in the comments what you got, check it out here.

On an unrelated note, I have not been doing well this week.  In my individual counseling session on Monday we ran head on into The Thing That Happened in the 4th Grade.  The Thing that I had blacked out but had changed me so that I went from always wearing skirts to never wearing skirts.  The Thing that made it so that, for the remainder of my time in elementary school, junior high, and high school I never used the bathrooms at school.  I have never dealt with The Thing, and told myself it was not a big deal.  I mean, if you can’t even remember it then it could not have been that important, right?  Turns out, that is not right.  Not even a little bit.  I am still learning all of the ways that The Thing has affected me as a child and as an adult, and it has been a saddening discovery.  The counseling jogged a few more details out of my memory, and it has been hard having those rattling around inside my head as well.

Anyway, I have been listening to this song a lot this week.  It is resonating with me, and maybe something in it will resonate with you also.  Either way, it’s a great song.

Lyrics that are particularly meaningful to me right now:

I’ve spent so much time living in survival mode
This won’t work now the way it once did
Cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
Though I know who I’m not, I still don’t know who I am
But I know I won’t keep on playing the victim
These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I think part of the Figuring Shit Out process is blogging more.  I used to love doing this, and I used to do it all the time, so I am trying to bring it back a little more.  I promise that not every post will be this serious and heavy.  Or at the very least promise to consider not making every post serious and heavy.  How’s that?  I would blame the wine I am drinking but it is Arbor Mist Mango Moscato.  Very tasty, but alas, not very potent.

3 thoughts on “I want to decide between survival and bliss

  1. “You are analytical, rational and tranquil.

    You are calm-seeking: you prefer activities that are quiet, calm, and safe. You are independent: you have a strong desire to have time to yourself. And you are empathetic: you feel what others feel and are compassionate towards them.

    You are motivated to seek out experiences that provide a strong feeling of well-being.

    You are relatively unconcerned with tradition: you care more about making your own path than following what others have done. You consider independence to guide a large part of what you do: you like to set your own goals to decide how to best achieve them.”

  2. You are a bit compulsive and explosive.

    You are intermittent: you have a hard time sticking with difficult tasks for a long period of time. You are laid-back: you appreciate a relaxed pace in life. And you are melancholy: you think quite often about the things you are unhappy about.

    Your choices are driven by a desire for efficiency.

    You are relatively unconcerned with tradition: you care more about making your own path than following what others have done. You consider independence to guide a large part of what you do: you like to set your own goals to decide how to best achieve them.

What do you think?