Bored at Work

Damn, I hate this job. It’s so boring! I sit here all day, pretending to work, and get bored! Blah blah blahing all around me. “What do you think you’re doing” this and “I’m going to fire your lazy ass” that. My word. (Just kidding, but that did make me laugh. Laughter is suspicious. I must stop. Only happy people would be laughing and if you are happy, then you must not be working.)

People are so stupid, you know? Now you’re probably expecting to go into some story about something that happened to inspire that statement, but I won’t. It’s just something I’m always keeping in the back of my mind. “People are stupid.” It floats around and sometimes I say it out loud. Most of the time this is a bad thing, because I’ll yell it in the grocery store line or laugh while saying it when someone in front of me trips. I don’t mean them, it’s just bad timing.

I’m out of cough drops! Well, I guess technically I’m not out, but you’re only supposed to have four of those Halls Defense thingies a day or you will get green pee and that’s how many I’ve had. I have this huge fear of green pee and if my pee was ever green I don’t know what I’d do. Probably never pee again. And then where would I be? I’d turn yellow and start to smell like pee and then bloat up and die. So you see, it’s just a hell of a lot easier to stick to this four cough drop a day limit. A lot less painful too, though I have to say I got a mighty hankering for a cough drop. I think they’re addictive. When I go to a grocery store that doesn’t have them I get all mad and start to through things. Then I yell, “People are stupid!” and I leave the store in tears. That sounds like an addiction to me.

At work, when you scan a file, you are supposed to put your name or initials on it so they know who screwed up. Well, I’m going through this one woman’s files and her name is Pat and apparently her last name starts with “O” for she puts “PattiO” on her files. It’s driving me crazy. Everytime I see it little men start jumping around in my head and chant, “Patti O’Furniture! Patti O’Furniture!” (And of course they are leprechauns, because that is an authentic Irish name.) It wouldn’t be so bad, but apparently no one taught Miss PattiO (Furniture!) how to scan properly, use a computer, or pull her thumb out of her ass.

And now I am sitting here typing this and trying really hard not to laugh out loud. I guess I am bitter and that increases my sarcasm ten-fold which in turn increases my humor one or two fold. Can you have something one-fold? It would probably just be a “fold” then wouldn’t it? “I will increase your wealth fold.” “Thanks for nothing you merciful dumb ass. I already had a fold.” “Yes well, there you go then.”

Hmm, keeping myself from laughing is making me yawn. So while I am not drawing attention to myself with insane laughter, I am drawing it by yawning a lot. I guess that’s better though. It makes my story of how I really working and not fooling around that much more believable. I should probably end this. I don’t want to, but I have to sometime right?

Someone turned the air conditioning on. This is stupid for two reasons. The obvious one being it’s almost in the middle of freaking November and the second one is that they could save on their energy bill simply by opening a door. The air is just as cold outside. Might as well save some money. It felt like that little story could be funny before I began typing but I realize now that it’s not. I don’t believe in the delete key, so you’re just going to have to read it anyway.

Okay, I’m really going to go this time. Some guy is trying to talk to me. I should at least LOOK like I’m paying attention. He is complimenting me on my sweater, which I believe to be a fancy-schmancy way of saying, “Hey I’m looking at your chest.”

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